poem for winter

i wanna get better — bleachers

Hello!

Okay what to say here. This is a poem that emerged throughout July, that I never did send but remains a capsule of the past winter. And this really was a winter, one where I do feel a little bit older, a little bit changed for making it through. I made mistakes and somehow moved forward and whilst I don’t exactly have the right to exonerate myself I do know that moving forward is the only option. Three months is such a short time and yet so long, and now here we are at the other end. Maisie Peters voice I made it to September, I can finally breathe (powerful addition into the ‘songs that mention months’ canon I think).

Anyway, all this means I have been having thoughts and such, this time condensed into a few lines which are here inside your computer or perhaps even your mobile device.

This one is for my bestie Jordan, who also read for me ahead of sending.

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caution deep water after rain

walking through the park & Jordan says, everything is so green 
because of the rain. like the first gasping intake of air 

after plummeting into the slicing cold of an outdoor pool &
flailing your way back to breathing, this glistening green 

seems to unfold fresh life. they were a child in this place, world breaking
open, a child when we met & so was I, so many seasons away. next day, 

I clamber onto an overturned log. melt into the air, try to hold between my palms the small miracle, like rock formations carved over time by waves, 

of being here at all. guide myself back, listening to Bleachers 
songs from 2014 but Tuesday afternoon can’t be forever—

another poem like a diary entry—for so long, yes, feeling some faultline 
in my very foundation, tracing guilt & wanting & now. turning

away. so here is a winter of trying to grow. of detours for mandarins 
from grocery stores, folding paper flowers at the art gallery,

falling into the mouth of every morning clasping cups of coffee, letting 
lungs flood with biting air, letting friends care & vulnerability bloom.

I'm trying to forgive my existence even on days when fading afternoon
makes me want to weep. it's just that I don't want to hurt 

anymore, knowing hurt is inevitable as tidal rhythms, as the creek cascading 
during an overnight storm. & later—sunlight, waiting, still.

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The thing is that yes this is how I have been feeling but I was also watching the World Cup and hanging out and so on. Listening to Samia, listening to Bleachers, listening to Frank Ocean. Listening to Carly Rae Jepsen and the Japanese House. Taking a trip to go sit in the wind and look at the sea before moving on to get a sippy drink from the bakery. I went back to the doctor in late July and now I actually take my iron. The way it goes.

The resounding theme here was ‘listening to i wanna get better by bleachers and realising how much you actually mean it and not really knowing when that happened’. See also:

boygenius, not strong enough

sally rooney, normal people

<3

Hope you’re well.

Joanne

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‘deep water after rain’ sign!

greenness!